


just let me stay here by your side

by joeckfanfic



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Coma, Hospitals, It gets really fluffy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-07
Packaged: 2019-02-11 14:22:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12937131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joeckfanfic/pseuds/joeckfanfic
Summary: “You need to wake up because I can’t do this without you,” Joe says, laying his hand over Jack’s. “I love you, you fucking idiot, so much. When you wake up, we need to have a talk. You’re not allowed to get hurt ever again. I’m not going anywhere. Whenever you wake up, I’ll be here.”Jack gets into a serious accident, and Joe needs to pick up the pieces so they can both move on.





	just let me stay here by your side

**Author's Note:**

> Shout out to everyone who encouraged me to write this! Instead of doing assignments and making my presentation, I wrote 11,000 words for a fanfic. My internet's been down for the majority of this though, so I have an excuse. Sorta. Not really. Don't judge me.
> 
> I hope you enjoy! Title comes from It's Quiet Uptown from Hamilton.

Joe likes to be the first to wake up in the morning. He enjoys the first moments of the day, when he gets to look at Jack for as long as he likes, without their friend’s taunts or Jack’s sarcastic comments. It’s the little moments like this, that he stores away for only himself; Jack’s snores, the way he scrunches his nose and sometimes the obscure mumbles that will fall from his lips when he’s sleeping. They’re all things Joe loves waking up to.

But this morning, he wakes up far too late. There’s a sticky note placed on the empty pillow beside his, telling him that his boyfriend has gone to visit his family for the day, and he won’t be back until late. It’s disappointing to say the least, but Joe gets to work on the day ahead. He has vlogs to edit, collabs to plan out and videos to film, so he makes himself busy.

He sends texts and Snapchats throughout the day to Jack, but it’s not the same as talking to him. He reminds himself it’s only for a day though, so he tries not to get too sappy. He finds that he gets a lot more work done with Jack away, although it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why. He never could take his hands off him, which was why it was so hard to film with him around.

Jack sends him a quick message to let him know he’s on his way home (Joe’s heart still beats a little faster at the word _home_ – he still can’t believe they have one together now) and he’ll bring some takeaway with him later on that evening. He decides to finish work for the day, and relaxes with a movie. When the movie is over, he notices that Jack really should be back by now. It’s a Friday night though, so there’s definitely a queue in the Chinese they usually get their food from.

He can’t stop to wonder why Jack isn’t home though, especially as time continues to tick by. He gets a call sometime later, and picks up on the first ring expecting Jack. Instead, it’s Caspar, who doesn’t sound like he's in a good way.

“I’m with Conor and it’s not good. We’re at the hospital,” Caspar says, his words almost coming out as one. Joe wants to ask if Conor’s okay, he’s worrying for their friend, when his world comes tumbling down at Caspar’s next words. “It’s Jack – there was an accident.”

“Oh god, no,” Joe says, barely getting his head around what Caspar’s told him. “He was on his way home.”

“I’m so sorry Joe,” Caspar says, and Joe can hear that Caspar is crying himself. “I don’t want to tell you over the phone, but it’s bad. Please, just come quickly. They don’t know if he’ll make it.”

“I’m on my way,” he answers, although he feels like the words are coming out of his mouth almost as if he’s on autopilot. When Joe hangs up, he manages to call Oli, and Oli offers to collect him from his home to drive him to the hospital.

Then, he calls the only person he can think of that he wants to talk to, besides Jack – Zoe. She quickly answers, and promises to meet him at the hospital. He’s scared, _so_ scared, and he really needs his big sister by his side. While he waits, he aimlessly grabs his phone. Somehow, he’s expecting a call from Jack explaining it’s all been a joke, and that he’s really on his way home with the food. Instead, there’s nothing. He ends up on the BBC news website where a picture crops up from the crash on the M25. Joe starts crying as he sees it, and he knows that it will be permanently etched in his memory forever. That’s definitely Jack’s car, except it’s barely a car anymore. It’s all smashed in on one side, the roof cracked open like a boiled egg. It's sprawled across the hard shoulder with the truck that hit it jack-knifed across all three lanes of the motorway.

He meets Oli outside, and jumps into the car. There’s no time for jokes or even a simple thank you as a greeting, but Oli places a hand on Joe’s arm. “He’s going to be okay.”

Joe doesn’t have it in him to disagree, so he nods his head and stays silent.

 

**

 

He meets Conor outside the hospital, once Oli drops him off to get a parking space. Joe’s never seen him like this – looking like his whole world is crashing down. He’s tear-stained and red-eyed, and his hair is dishevelled.

“It’s not good Joe,” Conor says, and Joe pulls him into a hug. He doesn’t think he can look Conor in the eye at the moment. “They had to restart his heart. He was pronounced dead at the scene – but he came back somehow. He’s been in surgery for an hour now, but mum says they could be in there all night. We’ve not been told anything else.”

Joe can’t quite comprehend the thought that Jack was actually dead. He’s so close to losing one of the best thing’s that has happened to him, and he won’t fully accept it. Not until he sees it for himself.

“I love him Conor,” he says, trying to regain control of his emotions. “He can’t die on me. I love him.”

“I know,” Conor says. “He loves you too. You’d be blind not to see it. Come on, my parents are probably wondering where I am. I needed to get out of there. I needed some fresh air.”

It’s understandable, really. Joe’s not had much experiences with hospitals, but he knows most visits are never for a good reason. He’s always been a little afraid of them, and he had thought the fear was an unjustified one, but now he knows it won’t be the same.

They reach the surgical waiting room, where the rest of Jack’s family are sitting together. Caspar is sitting opposite them, talking on the phone, and Joe takes the seat beside him. He thinks he can hear Josh on the other line of the call, and he realises he hadn’t told the rest of their friends.

Time seems to go agonisingly slow, but more people begin to fill up the waiting room. Josh, Mikey and Zoe all show up, with cups of coffee and sandwiches from the gift shop. He doesn’t touch either, as he’s not sure he can stomach anything. He tries his best to hold himself together, but it's chaotic and loud, and everyone is so terrified and upset that it's tearing him to pieces inside. Zoe takes his hand, and it almost makes him feel a little better.

In the end, the surgery lasts ten hours. Jack’s wheeled off to Intensive Care, which isn’t too far away, but they can’t see him yet. He feels so utterly helpless.

“Jack Maynard’s family?” a soft, tired voice says, which startles the group.

“Yeah?” Jack’s dad asks, standing up.

“I’m Dr Mayfield, I presided over the surgery on Mr. Maynard,” the doctor explains, and all eyes fall on her.

“How is he?” Conor asks, and Zoe’s grip on Joe’s hand tightens. He grabs hold of her, letting her presence anchor him.

“As you may have been told before, Jack’s heart stopped at the scene, for three minutes. The paramedics managed to get his heart going again, however, there are complications involved in starving the brain of oxygen for a prolonged amount of time,” she tells the group, and the word complications starts to hang over the room.

“Do you think he’ll have brain damage?” Anna asks, her voice small and scared. Joe turns to see that their mother Helen is holding her.

“Potentially,” the doctor tells them, and Joe feels like he has been winded. “We are doing everything we can for him, I can assure you. There is a dedicated team working on Mr. Maynard right now, and we’re doing our best to keep him alive.”

There’s a lot of injuries that they’ve had to work on; brain swelling, internal bleeding, a punctured lung, broken ribs, a broken wrist and two broken legs, a fractured pelvis, a ruptured spleen, and a ruptured thoracic diaphragm. This is the big muscle that separates the thorax from the abdomen, they learn, which allows you to breathe. The doctor tells them that Jack isn’t breathing on his own at the moment. In the end Joe can’t quite work out how Jack has survived.

Time goes by, and nothing changes. When it gets to four am, another doctor comes in and tries to suggest that some of them might want to go home and get some sleep. No one dares to move though. The furthest someone will disappear to, is to the coffee machine. Joe doesn’t actually think he needs the coffee to keep him awake, the paralysing fear he’s been feeling since Caspar rang him is enough to stop him from falling asleep, but he drinks the coffee so he has something to do. They’re moved to the waiting room closer to ICU, where the seats are slightly more comfortable..

Jack’s condition is so critical that only one person is allowed to be by his bedside. Helen is the first to go in, followed by his father Gary and his siblings. Part of Joe is desperate to go in and see his boyfriend, but the other half of him can’t bear to see Jack this way.

It’s ten in the morning by the time he’s allowed to go in. He’s waiting on Conor to leave, so he can see for himself that Jack is fighting to stay alive, to stay with him. “He’s okay,” Conor tells him, looking tear-stained and pale as he stares at Joe. “Well, he’s not, but he’s _alive_. That’s what matters at this point.”

Joe still can’t allow himself to relax though. “Can I see him?”

“Yeah, of course. Just - be careful, yeah?” he says, running a hand through his hair. “He looks so small in that bed, all blood and bandages and tubes. He’s my baby brother and I can’t do anything to help him.”

Joe’s heart aches for Conor, but he doesn’t know what to say. “He’s on a ventilator and he still hasn't woken up yet. Tell him to wake up Joe, please. He listens to you the most.”

He makes the tentative footsteps to Jack’s room, fear building up in his veins. He can hear the continuous beeping from one of the machines, but it does little to calm his fears. Joe takes a deep breath as he walks in. There’s a chair by the side of the bed, and he sits down carefully, trying not to damage the gloves or the plastic apron they made him put on before entering.

The boy in the bed looks like Jack, but it isn't him. It _can’t_ be. There's a tube down his throat, and stitches across his cheek and through his eyebrow. His arm’s in a cast, and so is his legs, and there are so many wires and drips. His chest is a mess of bandages and dressings and bruises and a chest drain and there's a bag half-full of red gunk that Joe guesses is blood, that’s attached via a tube that goes directly into Jack’s stomach.

He closes his eyes, and tries to imagine Jack laying down on their bed. He thinks back to the last time he had woken up before Jack, watching him intently as he was fast asleep – looking peaceful, neither knowing what would happen next.

“Hiya love, it’s Joe,” he says, covering Jack’s good hand with his own. “You’d think I would be used to talking to myself, but this is crazy. Anna told me that she thought you’d be able to hear us all talking to you, so you better start listening, alright? Everyone is here, waiting to see you again. So you have to wake up, yeah? Because we’re all tired and we just really want to see you again. Josh is getting cranky out there, and you know what he’s like.”

He doesn’t know if he’s even making sense, but he’s never had to prepare himself for something like this. “We’re falling apart Jack. It’s not even been a full day yet, and we’re all going mad. But I get it – you’ve been through hell and back. Your heart stopped, but you’re still here. The doctors are saying it’s a miracle. Can you do one more thing for me, love? Wake up.”

He can’t do it any longer and he has to leave. Jack is so, so, broken, and there’s nothing that he can do to help him. He throws the stupid plastic apron in the bin as he practically runs from Jack’s room. The only thing that stops him running all the way out of the hospital is Zoe’s arm thrown out in front of him. He doesn’t know where she’s come from, but he’s grateful she’s there. They hold onto each other, silent, watching Jack through the small window into his room.

 

**

 

Jack doesn’t wake up.

Joe sleeps in the waiting room, covered with a blanket Zoe had brought him. He doesn’t get much sleep though – sometimes he’s woken by nightmares of the crash, of getting a call that Jack didn’t make it, and other times he’s woken by the sounds of the people around him crying.

He hears one of the night staff makes her way into Jack’s room, staying in there longer than Joe feels comfortable for. She comes in and out of the room, Joe catching her eye a few of the times that he’s awake for, but she doesn’t give anything away. He’ll take it as a good sign. He’ll take anything he can at this point though.

“Joe?” he hears, and when he turns he sees that Conor is wide awake too. “Do you want to go for a walk?”

A little bit of him is afraid to leave, in case Jack wakes up without him. But he doesn’t have it in him to say no, so he gets up and follows Conor out of the corridor. They aimlessly stroll around the different wards, and Joe’s half expecting a nurse to send them back to their seats, but they say nothing.

“I keep thinking about it,” Conor says, his voice heavy. Joe wonders if he’s seen the news, stories of the crash are surfacing and it’s harder to keep Jack’s identity a secret. “He’s lying there, hooked up to all of these machines that are keeping him alive. His body can’t keep up anymore, you know? What if he gives up? What if it’s too much? What if he dies?”

“He won’t,” Joe answers quickly, because he won’t let anyone lose their faith in Jack. “He owes me dinner, I’m not letting him off the hook that easily.”

Conor smiles at that, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Still, it’s a start and Joe’s willing to work with it. They continue to look around, killing time while waiting for everyone else starts to wake up, before heading back to the waiting room, for the agonising wait to visit Jack again.

When they come back, Jack’s parents are no longer in the family room and he can see Jack’s bed is surrounded by nurses and doctors. The two run across to Helen, who is standing, shaking, whilst the nurses crowd around him. For a second, he fears the worst. The doctors are using a defibrillator, and Joe thinks that Conor could have been right.

He can't tear his eyes away from the monitors surrounding Jack’s bed, despite not knowing what any of the numbers mean. If Jack dies, part of Joe will die with him. Since getting together they’ve somehow managed to meld into one person and Joe feels like half of his soul is stuck in that hospital bed. They’re Jack and Joe – he’s one half of a duo now. He doesn’t know what he’ll do without Jack by his side. He can't imagine being without him, not ever.

The scene around Jack eventually calms down, and one of the doctors comes out. “We’ve managed to stabilise him,” he tells them, taking off his gloves. He begins updating them on the situation, but all Joe can think about is the fact that Jack is still alive. He decides not to listen to the negatives.

They make it back to the waiting room, the nurses still busying themselves with Jack, and the day passes by slowly. Eventually he’s allowed visitors – his parents, Conor and Anna go into the room together at first, while he goes in with the boys. They talk about old times, and about their plans for when Jack gets out of the hospital, but Joe doesn’t say much.

Instead he holds Jack’s hand again, concentrating on the rise and fall of Jack’s chest. It’s not of his own accord, but it’s easy to forget that. He stays like that, until the nurses ask him to leave. He feels empty without Jack’s hand to hold, but he doesn’t plan on getting used to that feeling.

 

**

 

On the third day of drinking hospital coffee in a row, Joe feels like he’s ready to collapse. He hasn’t slept a wink, always checking up on Jack to see if his boyfriend will finally open his eyes, and it’s starting to catch up with him.

Zoe’s sitting beside him in the waiting room, holding onto his hand. He can’t cry anymore, so instead he just stares at their friends in front of him. They’re feeling as helpless as he is, and he can see how much Jack’s presence is needed. They’re falling apart without him. “He’ll be okay,” Zoe tells him, and all he does is nod because he doesn’t even want to consider the idea that Jack won’t make it.

Conor walks out of Jack’s room, and the two make eye contact. Joe hates seeing his friend look so broken, but he’s not sure he looks any better himself. “They’re going to do more tests this afternoon. The doctors are talking to mum and dad now.”

"Can I see him?” he asks, and Conor just nods. Joe stands up, nerves hitting him all over again. It’s not easy seeing Jack like this, but it’s not as shocking as the first day. He doesn’t think he’ll ever forget the horror of seeing all the tubes sticking out of him.

He makes his way to the room, and sits in his usual seat. He remembers getting the call - Caspar talking too quickly about a car accident. He made the mistake to google it - he’ll never forget the wreckage, how he was sure no one could have survived it. But Jack, beautiful wonderful Jack, defied the odds.

Well, he’s still fighting them.

“You need to wake up because I can’t do this without you,” Joe says, laying his hand over Jack’s. “I love you, you fucking idiot, so much. When you wake up, we need to have a talk. You’re not allowed to get hurt ever again. I’m not going anywhere. Whenever you wake up, I’ll be here.”

Joe takes a look at Jack again, who’s looking pale and broken. He’s so vulnerable and Joe wishes he could do something - anything - to take the pain away for him. But there’s nothing to be done, just wait.

Joe’s never been so scared.

  

**

 

He’s lost all hope on the fifth day.

He wonders if he’s the only one who’s willing himself for the time Jack’s heart monitor will stop. He wonders if he’s the only one who doesn’t have it in him to be disappointed every time Jack doesn’t respond to any of the treatments, or if he’s the only one who can’t deal with anymore scares. He wonders if Jack hates him for feeling like this.

He’s left alone with Jack for the first time since the previous morning, and he drops his façade. He’s scared, so scared, and the realisation that he’s so close to being alone keeps creeping up on him. He thinks back through it all – the days and weeks and months of time they’d wasted, time he can’t get back, can’t make up for. The stories he’s never told, the questions he’s never asked, the endless list of things left for a tomorrow that they may never have the chance to reach.

“I know you’re going through a lot of pain right now,” he begins, tears falling down his face. “And I know you’re going to face a lot more of it if you wake up. So if you decide that it’s too much, I understand. I love you, I always have and I always will. I want you here with me, so we can spend the rest of our lives together – but if you need to let go, you can.”

There’s a moment of silence, where he expects to hear Jack’s heart monitor stop, but it still beeps beside him. It’s not like the movies, Jack doesn’t instantly let go at this. For some reason, it angers Joe. He hates that Jack is still lying there motionless, showing no signs of life or even of giving up. Why won’t he do something?

“You know what? Stop the bullshit Jack. I know you can hear me,” he says, his voice raising, getting hysterical. “Stop this. Please. Just stop.”

 _I’m sorry_ , he wants to say, as he wipes the tears away from his eyes with the hand not holding Jack’s. _I’m sorry I gave up on you, I’ll never do it again. Tell me you hate me, tell me anything. Just let me hear your voice again._

“It’s not supposed to be like this Jack. We’re supposed to spend the rest of our lives together,” he sobs, feeling incredibly lost. If he’s honest – he doesn’t know what the overruling emotion that he’s feeling is. He’s angry – so incredibly angry – at Jack for doing this to him, and he’s angry at himself for somehow not having stopped it. But he feels so broken. Like he’s waiting for the next kick while he’s down. And he’s tired of it. But if he gives up hope, is he giving up on Jack completely?  

“I miss you,” he whispers, leaning down to gently kiss Jack’s hand. “I miss you so much.”

He stays by Jack’s side, eventually falling asleep. When he’s awake, he realises there’s a blanket thrown over him. He’s not sure how long he’s been there asleep for, but it does help him feel a little more like himself again.

He settles, making himself comfortable, because he’s not giving up on Jack again.

 

**

 

He’s sitting in the canteen with Caspar when he gets a text from Conor. He sprints down the corridor separating him from Jack, Caspar following with a shared frenzy. They stop outside Jack’s room, where Conor is waiting for them.

“He woke up,” Conor tells them, and Joe can almost feel his legs go from underneath him. “The doctors are keeping him sedated for the moment. He’s asleep now, but he’s going to be okay.”

A little while later, when Joe’s sitting in the chair beside Jack’s bed, he watches Jack open his eyes. He doesn’t cry like he had thought he would, instead he watches with bated breath. Jack blinks sleepily, repeating the action several times. “Hi there, stranger.” Joe hopes that he’s not that aware of what's going on. He’s got a tube down his throat, one coming out of his chest, one coming out of his stomach and he can only hope that Jack’s not in any pain.

“I love you,” he says, holding Jack’s hand tight. “I never tell you often enough because I'm an idiot, but from now I’m just going to keep telling you I love you. I love you so much.” Jack blinks again, so terribly sleepy and out of it. “Get some sleep love,” Joe says, and stroking his cheek. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

This time, when Jack closes his eyes, he doesn't open them again.

 

**

 

“We should put some music on,” Mikey suggests, when everyone’s crowded around his bed after his nap. “Or maybe Conor could sing for him.”

“Don’t give him an excuse,” Helen says with a grin, making everyone laugh. He’s not sure if it’s wishful thinking, but Joe swears he sees Jack roll his eyes. He mouths an _I love you_ to Jack, and although he can’t move because of the sedatives and the tube down his throat, Joe is sure he feels Jack’s finger twitch against his in response.

Everyone starts giving Jack updates on what he’s missed, giving him the millions of well wishes that’s been sent his way, and it’s the closest to normality he’s felt in a very long time. Joe can feel himself getting a little teary-eyed, but when he feels Caspar wrap an arm around him, he knows he’s not the only one trying to get used to this.

Jack falls asleep soon after again, the medication he’s on is still wearing him down. A nurse comes in soon after to shoo everyone out, so she can run some tests on him, and it doesn’t feel right leaving Jack alone. Now that he’s awake, he’s more aware of what’s going on. The thought alone scares Joe, so he wonders how awful it must be for his boyfriend.

Jack’s condition greatly improves the mood of everyone around him though, and they spend most of the times they share in the waiting room, and sitting in Jack’s room in the times he’s awake, sharing funny stories of him, showing each other embarrassing photos and videos. It’s a sweet relief in a desperate time, and they grab onto it as much as they can. It’s not all smiles though, there’s still bouts of sadness and worry every now and then. But all in all, things are looking up.

They take away the chest drain, showing the serious bruising Jack’s been rocking since the accident. They try to take Jack off the ventilator that afternoon too, but he doesn't react well to breathing on his own and they have to put the tube back down his throat. They sedate him afterwards, because of the traumatic experience, but they won’t let it become a step backwards.

“He’s a fighter,” Zoe says, when the doctors already make plans for trying to take him off the ventilator again the following day. He’s nervous that Jack will have the same reaction the second time round, and is even more scared by the idea that maybe he’ll never be able to breathe again, but he tries to stop himself from thinking too much about it.

 

**

 

The following morning, they’re standing outside his room when they begin the procedure. They listen as Jack coughs when the tube is being removed, and watch as he struggles for air. But instead of placing the tube back down, they place an oxygen mask over his mouth. He feels Anna grasp onto him, and he holds her hand as tightly as he can.

“Come on Jack,” Conor says, everyone waiting to see Jack take his first proper breath since the accident. There’s a flurry of movement surrounding him, and they can’t see inside.

“He’s breathing by himself,” one of the doctors tells them, once she joins them outside. “He’s still incredibly ill, but he’s stable. We’re going to keep an eye out for him, but if all goes well he should be out of Intensive Care by tomorrow.”

This is more good news than Joe was expecting. He feels himself waiting for the kicker. “Can we see him?”

“He’s had a lot of pain relief and the sedation is still wearing off,” the doctor warns. “He’ll be very drowsy for a while yet.”

“I want to see him,” Anna says.

Joe stays quiet as all of the Maynard’s go into Jack’s room, leaving him alone in the corridor. He doesn’t want to intrude on the moment, so he sits back down in the waiting room, and begins letting everyone know the good news.

In a brave move, he decides to check his Twitter feed. He had been warned by Josh that news had managed to get out that Jack had been involved in the incident, so they had all stayed clear of any social media. He sees a lot of worried fans tweeting him, but he doesn’t want to say anything until Jack is completely out of trouble. It’s heart-warming to see the messages, and he saves a few to show Jack at a later stage.

He’s allowed to go see Jack an hour later, and he doesn’t know what to expect. He’s nervous again, even though he knows it’s pointless. Conor must see this, because he walks with Joe to the door. “Go tell him how much you’ve missed him,” he says, the playfulness Joe’s always been used to hearing is finally back. 

When he walks into the room, he sees that Jack is awake, but just about. He’s still drowsy, but it’s the most lifelike he’s seen Jack for too long. He walks over to Jack’s bed, and leans down to place a kiss on his cheek.

When he moves away, he can see the corners of Jack’s mouth turn up into a lazy smile. It’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen in his life. He doesn’t know what to say, so instead he continues to take in the sight of a tubeless, drainless Jack, in all of his glory.

“I love you,” is all Joe can manage to say, but he means it with all of his being.

“Joe,” Jack croaks out, his voice hoarse from all the pressure his throat has been under.

That’s all it takes for Joe to start sobbing. He sees Jack’s eyes close again, and watches as he falls asleep. He might not be fully with it, but Jack’s finally coming back to him.

 

**

 

Jack’s new room is in the High Dependency Unit, and is covered in cards and flowers.

The downside to the move is that there’s visiting hours, and Joe notices that the nurses are very strict about following them. On Jack’s first night in HDU, he actually puts up a fight to stay with Jack, but it’s no use.

He doesn’t sleep that night; his phone is laying beside him and he’s waiting for it to ring. It doesn’t, which is obviously a good sign, but it doesn’t calm his nerves. What if he wakes up scared and alone? Or god forbid, what if there’s a complication? He’ll never forgive himself if something happens, and he’s not there for it.

He doesn’t even want to try and get some sleep though. He’s had a few decent hours of sleep behind him in the past few days, but whenever he’s not been beside Jack, he dreams of the worst. The picture keeps popping up in his head, and he plays out the worst-case scenario at all times. He can’t keep doing it to himself.

“We’ve just left him there, all alone and scared,” Joe rants to Caspar the next morning, who drops by to keep him company. “What if he’s asking for one of us, when he wakes up? He shouldn’t be alone in a time like this.”

“He’s being looked after by professionals. They know what they’re doing,” Caspar reasons, but it’s not enough to calm his nerves.

He gets a call from Conor, just after the breakfast Caspar makes for them. “The nurse told mum and dad that he had a reasonable night. They're waiting for the physiotherapists to come around and assess him. Now that he’s breathing for himself, he’s going to have to deal with his broken ribs. He’s on a lot of pain medication, but it’s still painful to breath. The physios will help him with that though.”

It’s still a lot to take in, but it’s progress. “I’ll be there at half one. Maybe they’ll let us in early, out of pity or something.”

“Anna’s going back to school today, so mum and dad are going to come in with her afterwards,” Conor tells him. “But I’ll see you there.”

They’re both ready and waiting outside the HDU doors at exactly half past one, with time to spare. They open the doors a couple of minutes past two, just as Joe was getting ready to call somebody. He hurries into the ward with Conor, and his heart pounds as they push open the door to Jack’s room, silently praying that he’s still doing alright.

Jack’s as okay as can be expected from him. He’s asleep, for a start, but he’s breathing on his own. In fact, the oxygen mask has gone already, replaced with a tube that goes into Jack’s nose and hooks round his ears. It’s nice to see his face again.

Conor had the bright idea to bring a pack of playing cards with him, so the two sit and play until there’s some movement from Jack. He wakes up an hour or so later, just when the two are starting to get into the game.

“Joe,” he says, and both he and Conor turn their heads at an incredibly fast speed. “Conor.”

“We’re here. It’s okay,” Conor says, dropping the cards as he makes his way closer to Jack. Joe stands above him, holding onto him.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” he says, seeing the fear in Jack’s eyes. He swallows, hard, and he can see that Conor is just as worried. “You’re in safe hands here, the doctors and nurses will be here whenever you need them. And you’ve got a long line of visitors waiting to come and see you.”

“Hurts to breathe,” Jack says, and it looks like he’s trying to blink away tears.

“I’ll get the nurse,” Conor says, moving out of the room as quickly as he can. Joe stays, moves even closer to Jack, and wishes that there was something he could do.

“Your ribs are broken, it’s going to hurt for a while. But the nurses will do everything they can to help,” he says, wishing there was something more that he could do.

Conor comes back, with a nurse in tow. She looks as tired as he feels, but she has kind eyes and Joe automatically trusts her. “He’s able to control his pain relief himself. There’s a button that he can press himself, and it will give him a dose of pain relief,” she explains, before turning her attention to Jack. “How are you feeling?” she asks, checking some of the machines by his head and pressing a few buttons. “Did you try pressing the button like we showed you earlier?” Jack shakes his head, staring up at her. “Well, you can still have some more. Press the button again, will you? I’ll just have a look at you though, see if we can make you more comfortable,” she smiles, and he can see Jack ease a little at that. “Would you mind waiting outside for a moment? Give Jack a spot of privacy whilst I get him settled.”

Joe leans down to press a quick kiss to Jack’s cheek, before leaving the room with Conor. He tries his best to keep calm, as the thought of Jack in so much pain threatens to overwhelm him.

“He’ll be okay,” Conor says, and Joe realises that Conor’s been watching him the whole time. He feels guilty at this, knowing the situation should be the other way around.

“I hate seeing him like this,” he admits, and Conor just nods his head in agreement. “I looked online when I first heard, and I saw pictures of the accident. I didn’t know if he was dead or alive, you know? I thought all this fear would stop once I saw he was okay, but it won’t. It's like a nightmare I can’t turn off. I keep seeing him. I keep seeing that picture. I keep seeing him in the ICU, with that tube down his throat.”

“It’s going to take a long time, but he’s going to be fine. He’s breathing by himself now, that’s the biggest step he’ll have to take,” Conor begins, as the two take a seat. “I saw the pictures too. They were all over Twitter when it first happened, and I accidentally stumbled upon them. I just thought to myself, this is it. There’s no way he’s going to make it out alive. When I got to the hospital with Caspar, and they told me that his heart had stopped, I was waiting to be told that it happened again; or that he didn’t make it out of surgery. Anna told me she wasn’t ready to lose a brother yet on that first night. What do you say to that?” he asks, and Joe’s heart breaks. He doesn’t even want to think about the possibility of losing Zoe, he knows it would hurt too much.

“We were all so sure this was something he couldn’t come back from, but he kept on defying the odds. He kept on getting stronger. Now we have to do the same,” he continues. “Jack’s going to need us, this is going to be one of the hardest things he’ll ever do. We have to be strong for him. And we will be. We’ll do this together, one step at a time.”

Joe sits in silence, knowing he doesn’t need to add anything to the conversation. Conor’s said all that needs to be said. “You know, when Jack told me there was something going on between you two, I couldn’t believe it. I knew you two were close, but I just couldn’t get my head around it.”

Joe laughs at that, remembering Conor’s failed attempt at being the protective older brother all too well. Conor had recovered from the news though, and was one of their biggest supporters in the early days. He’d even helped cover for them, when fans were almost on the verge of putting two and two together.

“He’s a good egg, my brother. The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree I suppose,” Conor adds, with the usual twinkle in his eye. “I’m glad he has you. You really love him.”

“I do,” he says, smiling at the words. He’s always loved Jack, and when he realised the feelings weren’t one-sided after all, he had been beside him. They’ve been together for a while now, and Joe is still finding new ways to fall in love with him all over again. Loving Jack is easy. It’s blissful. It’s overwhelming. It’s _everything_.

The nurse comes back, giving them the all clear to come see him again. “The drugs have kicked in, and he’s feeling much better,” she tells them, and they rush back in to see him.

“How are you feeling?” Conor asks, taking a chair beside the bed. Joe follows him, taking the chair closer to Jack.

“Great,” he answers, smiling at his two visitors. He’s clearly a little out of it because of the drugs, but it’s the most lively they’ve seen him. He slowly lifts up the controller with the button for his medication, showing it to Joe and Conor. “You should get one of these bad boys, they’re great.”

His words are a little slurred, but Joe doesn’t want to focus on that. “Don’t get too comfortable here, or else you won’t want to come home.”

Jack frowns at that, before turning to face Joe. “Love you.” Hearing that for the first time in what feels like years, it’s enough to make Joe tear up. He needs to stop crying, he’s almost afraid he’ll evaporate. He grabs onto Jack’s hand, and he doesn’t want to let it go.

“You two are disgusting,” Conor says, and Jack laughs slightly at that.

“What happened?” he asks, when he settles down. “I don’t – I can’t remember why I’m here.”

The mood in the room shifts ever so slightly, but he’s been waiting for this question. “There was an accident. A truck drove into you,” Conor tells him.

“I don’t remember,” Jack repeats, almost robotically, and Joe doesn’t like it.

“What matters is that you’re okay,” he says, and Conor agrees with him. Jack doesn’t say anything in return, but he does smile at them.

Jack slowly begins to fall asleep again after this, but his grip on Joe’s hand remains strong.

 

**

 

The next day, he’s told that Jack is scheduled for another operation. This time, it’s to put pins in his broken knee. Just as they’re scheduling it for the afternoon, one of the nurse’s notices that Jack doesn’t look all that well when he starts coughing.

He’s breathing erratically, and he’s dropped the control for his pain relief which is making him panic. Joe rushes over to help, but he’s moved to the side by the nice nurse from the day before so she can check up on him. “Where are you hurting Jack?”

He watches as Jack places a hand over his chest, and the nurse grabs a stethoscope from the IV pole. She places it over his chest, but she finds no irregularities. She places a hand over his head, and picks up a thermometer. “He’s got a temperature,” she says, before asking Jack to open his mouth. “Jack your temperature is a little high right now. We’re going to do everything we can to get it back to normal.”

She turns to Joe with a worried look. “We have to cancel the operation, he’s not in a well enough state for it. I’m really sorry, but I have to ask you to leave. As soon as I have some news, I’ll let you know.”

The wait is agonising, but he’s joined by Conor again, who had gone home for a shower. Eventually, she makes her way out of Jack’s room, with a grim look on her face. “We need to take him for another CT scan,” she explains. “There’s a chance there might be a fluid leak into the abdomen, and if it is, we'll have to see if it’s infected.”

That’s not good. Nothing that includes leaks and infection could possibly be good.

Just when he thinks they’ve seen everything, it feels like they’ve taken two steps in the wrong direction.

 

**

 

Joe should be used to the bottom dropping out of his world by now, but it turns out he isn’t. The doctor explains that Jack managed to develop pneumonia, and that they’re going to put him on antibiotics, but they’re hopeful he will respond well.

“I need to call my parents,” is all that Conor says, excusing himself as he roots for his phone in his pockets.

Nurses keep going in and out of Jack's hospital room, and the oxygen mask is back. They set up even more drips, which are hooked up to IV antibiotics. Jack is hot and sweaty and coughing and completely out of it. He clings onto Joe’s hand, begging for him to stay.

“I don’t want to die,” he begs, and Joe doesn’t know how, but he stays calm.

“You won’t die, everything’s going to be okay Jack,” he says evenly, but it has little effect on Jack.

“Don’t leave me!” Jack desperately cries out.

“I’ll keep you safe,” he promises. “I’m here.” He keeps a tight hold of Jack’s hand and refuses to move any more than he has too. Jack’s so sick, and he’s absolutely terrified. Joe won’t move, unless they forcibly remove him from Jack’s side.

Conor brings a bowl of warm water for him to wipe Jack’s face with, and he reluctantly let’s go. He’s never done anything like this before, and he’s not entirely sure what he’s doing. Joe tentatively gets the flannel wet, squeezes out most of the excess water, and wipes it gently across Jack’s forehead, avoiding the stitched-up cut going across his cheek and into his eyebrow. He softly dabs at Jack’s face and neck, avoiding the oxygen mask and the wires that seem to be spread everywhere, careful not to cause him anymore pain.

The nurses let him stay the night, knowing that Jack’s not in a condition to be left on his own in, which is a small victory. Jack falls in and out of a restless sleep, and Joe’s there every time to wash his face, trying to get rid of the sweat that kept building up. He tries reassuring Jack that everything’s okay, but there’s times that Jack doesn’t even look like he recognises him, and it’s the toughest night in his life.

Eventually, Jack falls asleep. Joe falls asleep in the chair some point later, falling into a dreamless sleep. His body aches, but he’s too afraid to open his eyes.

 

**

 

Eventually, Jack starts coming around. It’s the longest two days in Joe’s life, and he’s never been so tired before. He feels sick from stress from the moment he crawls out of bed in the morning, until the moment he crawls back in at night.

Jack’s coming back to his normal self, sitting up a little more than usual, and holding conversations for longer. He still feels unwell, but he’s been through the worst of it. “I want to go home.”

“Don’t think we’ll fit all these machines in the front door,” he says, chuckling slightly. It’s just a relief to see him talking in full sentences at this point. Jack smiles at him then, sleepy and sick but more like Joe’s Jack than he has been in days. It's a beautiful, lovely, almost impossible relief. Joe holds on to his hand, wanting never to let go again.

 

**

 

Three days later, Joe finds that they’re already preparing Jack for surgery again, forcing Joe to wait outside his room. The nerves start to hit him as he texts Conor who wasn’t planning on coming to the hospital until later, and he starts to shake, his fingers fumbling over the keypad on his phone.

“The porters will be down to collect him in a few minutes,” the nurse tells him, as she comes out of Jack's room. “Why don’t you keep him company?”

Joe doesn’t need to be told twice, before going in and pulling up a chair beside Jack’s bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Been better,” he shrugs, his voice shaking slightly.

“Don’t tell me you’re scared,” Joe says, and Jack frowns. “It’s okay. I promise you, it’s going to be okay. Look at everything you’ve been through. This will be a walk in the park.”

“Still scared though,” Jack sighs, and Joe takes Jack’s hand, and kisses it.

“Don't be scared, everyone’s rooting for you and this is probably the last operation you’re going to need. We’ll all be here when you wake up. There’s no need to be scared, I promise.” Joe wonders if he’s trying to convince himself as well as Jack. “You’re going to be fine. Soon you’ll be able to come back home to me.”

The nurse comes in then to do some last-minute things before the porters arrive. “I won't be a minute. Just step outside, then you can come right back.”

Joe nods and spends the next few minutes desperately peering down the corridor for any sign of Conor, who’s promised he’ll be there as soon as he can. Joe knows he’ll be distraught if he misses Jack go down. The nurse comes back, a little longer than one minute, but Joe rushes back to Jack’s side. “Did you miss me?”

“Not that much,” Jack smirks, and Joe finds himself laughing.

“Are you okay?” he asks. The nurses continue to come in and out, checking things, doing bits and pieces, but Joe remains where he’s sat, the world passing by the two of them.

“Still scared,” he responds. “Maybe even more than before.”

Joe’s just as scared, but he keeps trying to push it down. That’s how he continues coming back every day, and that’s what is keeping him going. “What are you scared of?”

“Dying,” Jack says, so softly Joe barely hears it.

Joe tries not to break into pieces. “You’re not going to die. I won’t let you.”

“You don’t know that,” Jack says, the fear evident in his eyes.

“Yes I do. I love you too much,” Joe says, confidently.

Jack smiles a bit at that. “I should get into accidents more often,” he manages, slowly, with effort. “Hearing you say things like that, it almost makes it worth it.”

Joe wants to bundle him up into a tight, tight hug, and take him home and never let him go. “I say it all the time. So there’s no need for you to get hurt again, you hear me?”

“I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of hearing it,” Jack says, sleepily, eyes fluttering shut. He’s still so pale, and thin, and beaten up.

“I love you,” Joe says again, and Jack squeezes his hand. The nurses are coming back with the porters, and Joe realises Conor won’t get here in time to see Jack before he goes. “I'll see you soon.”

He can't bear the idea of leaving him, not even for a second. Jack looks absolutely terrified, and Jack can’t bear to leave him like this. “I promise. I'm going to be waiting for you when you come out. Don’t be scared.”

Joe blows him a kiss as they push Jack out the door, and Jack’s fingers twitch, like he’s catching it in his hand.

“Don’t you fucking die on me Jack,” Joe says, to the empty room. He’s careful not to be heard by anyone else. “Don't you ever fucking die on me.”

Conor gets there twenty minutes too late, with Anna and his parents alongside him. His face falls as soon as he realises he’s missed seeing Jack.

They all sit in his room, which feels empty without Jack in it, and they wait.

 

**

 

Jack, of course, pulls through. He makes it out of surgery with another nasty looking scar, but what’s one more? The pneumonia is almost entirely gone at this point, and he’s stronger than ever. The boys come to visit more frequently again, now that he’s able to entertain guests.

“I’ve been stuck in here, watching Loose Women for far too long,” Jack moans, Oli laughing at the statement.

“I thought Lorraine was on top form this morning,” Mikey pipes in, and Jack rolls his eyes at the comment.

“How’s hospital life treating you?” Josh asks, and Jack goes into full details of the horror of getting sponge baths, and about how much he hates his catheter.

“I’ll never take having a piss for granted ever again,” he says, and Joe shudders at the thought of having one. He never gave it much thought, but he’s realised Jack’s had one for a very long time.

“You’ll be moving out of HDU any day now,” he says, trying to find a bright side of the situation. “You’re a step closer to getting out of here.”

Jack yawns in response, and his eyes start drooping. He’s still on a lot of medication, but he’s nearly finished his course of antibiotics for his pneumonia.

“Get some rest mate,” Mikey says, watching Jack. Their friends nod in agreement, and they leave Joe alone with Jack.

“Wish I wasn’t always so sleepy all the time,” he says, barely keeping his eyes open.

“I quite like all the peace and quiet I’m getting,” Joe jokes. He expects a snarky comment, but instead he hears some quiet snores coming from Jack. It’s the peaceful moments like these, that he finds comfort in, that help him start sleeping at night again.

They’re both progressing, and that’s something he never thought he’d be able to say.

 

**

 

When he returns the next day, he finds a triumphant Jack sitting on his bed beside a bemused Conor.

“Guess who had his catheter removed today,” Conor says, and he watches Jack beam, as he fist pumps the air. “He even had a piss in my water bottle.”

It’s an unusual thing to be proud of, but his smile matches the one that Jack’s currently wearing. “I’m catheter free from here on out. I’m a new man today.”

“Sexy,” he grins, and Conor pretends to gag.

“Nurses said I’ll be moving wards later on today,” Jack tells him, and Joe watches as Conor gets up to start gathering Jack’s things together. “They’re waiting on a porter, and then I should be good to go.”

“I’ll miss this place,” Conor says, picking up some pyjamas that were left in Jack’s locker, which he hadn’t been able to wear yet, and the spare phone that Anna brought him the night before. This was a genius idea, since Jack was now able to keep in touch with everyone when visiting hours were over. “I liked the privacy. Now we’ll be in a room full of strangers.”

“Means I’m a step closer to getting out of here,” Jack points out, and Joe’s stomach does a cartwheel at the news. It's been so, so hard. It’s been weeks of constant fear and worry, and pain and suffering, and the fact it might be changing for the better is still terrifying all by itself. But he stays positive, knowing fully well that while there’s a lot of hurdles he still needs to face, Jack is able to do it.

The new ward has six beds, and Jack’s is the closest to the window overlooking the carpark. It’s a nice change of scenery, and the other patients seem to be just as nice as they hoped they would be, so all in all, it’s a successful move. It takes a lot out of Jack though, and he falls asleep soon after the nurses adjust his drips and check his obs.

Joe leaves sometime later, when Jack’s parents come to visit for the rest of the night, and he feels a little lighter. The journey home is still strange, knowing he’s going back to an empty home, but he’ll have Jack with him again soon, and it’s going to be alright.

  

**

 

“They want me to try standing up today,” Jack says, as soon as Joe comes to visit the following morning. “I’ve walking casts on, supposedly. Don’t know what that means.”

“Isn’t that good news?” Joe asks, noticing the worried look in Jack’s eyes.

“What if I can’t do it?” he asks, laying his bed down.

“It’ll be like the ventilator, I suppose,” he answers, sitting himself down across from Jack. “They’ll try again the next day, or the day after that. It’ll be fine. If you’re not up to it yet, you will be in no time.”

“I don’t want anyone there,” Jack says, looking away from Joe. “Just, not yet. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it, and I don’t want anyone watching me.”

Joe tries to hide his disappointment, but he knows better than to argue. “I’ll let everyone know. It might give the nurses a break, you’ve been so popular.”

“You’re rarely gone,” Jack points out. “You know, you don’t always have to come visit.”

“I want to,” he says, and it’s true. There’s no way he’ll ever let Jack fight this on his own.

“How are you?” Jack asks, which catches Joe off guard.

“I’m okay,” he answers, slowly. Jack watches him intently, and he folds. “I mean, I’ve been better. But I wasn’t the one who was in an accident.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t be hurting Joe,” he says, and Joe stays silent. “It must have been tough for you.”

Joe nods, beginning to well up. “I was sure I was going to lose you. And I’m still so fucking scared all the time, and I don’t know why. I don’t know how to not be terrified anymore.”

Jack holds his hand out, entwining his fingers with Joe’s. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me for a long time. We’ll figure this all out, you and me. I’m sorry I’ve put you through this.”

Joe leaves when the physio arrives, deciding to go home for a few hours. Jack promised to send him a message when he was done anyways, so he’ll try be productive at home. It doesn’t actually work that way – he spends the whole time worrying about Jack and thinking of all the pain he must be in.

He doesn’t hear from Jack, so a few hours later he decides to get back to the hospital. Jack is sitting in the big chair by his bed, wearing a dressing gown over his hospital gown. It’s the first time Joe’s properly seen his legs in casts.

“Hi,” Jack says, his smiling brightly. “Guess who got sick? Spoiler alert, it was me.”

“I didn’t need to know that,” Joe groans, but he's impressed at the change of mood Jack's had.

He shrugs slightly, and Joe can see how pale Jack is. “I’d been laid down so long that I threw up when I had to stand up.”

“You stood up?” he asks, grinning. He knew Jack could do it.

“With the help of two physios and a sick bowl,” he pauses. “And about half an hour. I took, like, one step from my bed to here, but whatever. Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

“Jack, that's brilliant!” he says. “You stood up. That’s so fucking brilliant.”

“I know, I’m really proud of myself,” Jack tells him, and god, Joe’s heart nearly swells at that. “I was going to text you and tell you, but my phone is over there, and I’m over here, and I’m never moving again in case I throw up. So, this is my life now.”

“You’re just going to stay on that chair for the rest of your life?” he asks, laughing, as he leans down to kiss Jack’s cheek, before sitting down on the bed.

“I’ve gotten used to this place. Billy in the bed across from mine is teaching me German, and the food is growing on me. Why would I ever want to leave?” he asks, and although Joe knows he’s joking, he still doesn’t like the sound of it. “Oh, and guess what? I’m on laxatives now. You must really find me attractive now.”

“You’ll always be attractive to me,” he says with a shrug. He’s not sure when they’ve gotten to the stage where they’re used to talking about bowel movements, but he guesses they’re one of those couples now. “Are they working?”

Jack shakes his head. “Do you know when the last time that I went to the bathroom was? Before the accident. I actually miss it.” Jack frowns, looking away from Joe, and begins sounding more distant with every word. “The biggest achievement of my day was standing up. How long will my life be like this?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry. But you’re doing so well. Look at all the progress you’re making,” he says. “Once you start going to the toilet, and start walking around a bit, they’ll let you go home.”

Jack brightens up at this. “Do you think so? God, I hate it in here. Hospitals are shit. I want to go home.”

“I miss you,” he says, and Jack looks over at him.

“Will you kiss me?” Jack asks, and Joe feels his heart beating faster ever so slightly. He leans in and presses his mouth to Jack’s. He tastes like hospital smells, and his lips are dry and chapped. But Jack is kissing him back, and, fuck, Joe’s missed him so much. He’s missed him so fucking much.

“I love you,” Joe says, when he inches apart. “I wish that I had gotten the chance to say that to you that before you left that morning. The thought of you not knowing I loved you was too much.”

“I knew,” Jack says softly. “I always know. Just like you know how much I love you.”

Joe can’t help but smile, but the moment is ruined when Jack shifts slightly. “Can you tell the nurse that the laxatives have finally kicked in?”

 

**

 

Jack starts walking, slowly making it further and further around the room, and even once he manages to walk to the nurse’s station, where Joe watches all of the nurses’ swoon after him from afar. Jack, of course, is loving it.

“I can’t believe you’re jealous,” Jack says when he’s finally back in his bed, recovering from the hard physio session, proudly wearing the pair of pyjamas that have followed him from the different wards he’s been in.

“I’m not jealous,” he says weakly, making Mikey laugh.

“He’s always had a way with the ladies,” Mikey says, leaning against the wall.

“Especially ladies with uniforms,” Jack adds, and Joe just rolls his eyes.

If he ignores the nurses on his way home later that night, it’s just a coincidence.

 

**

 

The next day, Joe doesn’t expect to see a fully dressed Jack waiting for him.

“I think I’m going to miss that hospital gown,” he says, and Jack shoots him an unimpressed look. He’s listened to Jack complain about the gown too many times at this point. He had always been shy about it, which Joe didn’t particularly understand with all the bed baths he had received.

Jack is wearing a maroon zip up hoodie, a black t-shirt, and some very loose tracksuit bottoms. “The doctors just came to talk to me, like, half an hour ago? And apparently now I can make it to the toilet and everything, I can go home! My parents are with the doctors now.”

“What about everything else?” he asks, trying to indicate with a wave of his hand everything else that Jack’s had to go through: the surgery, the damage to his internal organs, the broken ribs, to name a few. It’s a depressingly long list.

“A shitload of painkillers,” Jack says. “And piles of appointments. Fracture clinic and physios and I've got to go and get the last of the stitches out. But they say I’m healing well. I can’t believe I’m getting out of here.”

He sounds so delighted that Joe has to hide the imminent fear that’s beginning to build up about not having a nurse to hand if something goes wrong. How’s he supposed to look after Jack on his own?

“Brilliant,” Joe says, lying through his teeth. “That’s bloody brilliant.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Jack slides his hand into Joe’s. “We can finally go back to the way things were before. Just us. No doctors, no nurses. It’s going to bliss.”

Joe’s been looking forward to this day for so long, but now that it’s here (and the fact that it’s been completely sprung up on him out of nowhere) he’s scared shitless. He’s not prepared for this, not in the slightest.

“You’ll have to help me get dressed and get around the house. Make sure I can get to the toilet. And you’ll have to make me food and stuff,” Jack says, his tone changing. “I don’t want to be a huge burden on you. I don’t have to go back home straight away, I’m sure mum and dad won’t mind having me back.”

“I’ve seen tubes come out of you. I’ve been kept updated on laxative watch – thanks for that by the way love. I’ve been here every day. I don’t give a shit if I have to help you to the loo. I just want you to be better. And home, with me.”

When he says it, he knows it to be true. It’s going to be hard, but Joe’s willing to work hard at it. Jack’s positively beaming at this. “You’re way too good to me Joe. I love you.”

Joe answers by lifting their joined hands so he can press a kiss to the back of Jack’s hand. It's still covered in marks from his drips, but he pretends he didn’t notice that.

Getting the place ready for Jack to come home to is more stressful than Joe ever imagined. Caspar comes over to help him tidy up and clear space in the hall so Jack will be able to manoeuvre through easily. He promises to come over as much as he can, but Joe’s sure he’ll have a long line of visitors to check in on Jack, so he knows he won’t be in need of Caspar too much. He doesn’t say this, instead he thanks him by making him do some food shopping.

Jack is waiting for him in the chair by the side of his hospital bed when Joe returns later that afternoon. He looks pale and tired, but happy to see Joe, leaning in for a kiss as Joe hugs him hello.

“Time to go home,” he says, almost like he’s bracing himself for what’s to come. He might still be a little convinced something is going to go wrong. “You ready?”

“I was born ready,” Jack says. “What about you? Ready to get out of here?”

And this is one of the easiest things Joe will ever have to answer. He’s ready to say goodbye to the hospital; to the memories of the sleepless nights and the fears that Jack would never wake up again. He won’t miss it. He’ll never miss any of it. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

 

**

 

Their life turns into a series of appointments, but it’s okay. They make it work.

His progress is slow; walking up and down the stairs is an ordeal on the worst of days, and he gets tired incredibly easy. It isn’t all plain sailing – there’s days that they shout at each and say things neither of them mean, from anger and frustrations, and there are days that Jack doesn’t even want to get out of bed. But they get through it.

When Jack tells him that he’s okay, and things are finally getting better, Joe starts to believe him.

He’s protective of Jack, but he can’t help himself. He’s almost lost him once, and he doesn’t think he can do it again. He opens doors for him, doesn’t let him carry anything that is too heavy or can scald him if it’s dropped. It annoys Jack at times, but he lets Joe do it because he knows recovery is slow, for both of them.

Overall, they’re good. They’re together and they’re all right and they’re in love, so that’s all right. That’s all that matters.

 

**

 

They celebrate Jack’s last physio appointment at a bar that’s incredibly expensive, but Joe’s ready to celebrate. Joe gets them a beer each, because that’s a thing they can do now – Jack’s no longer on any medication so alcohol isn’t a worry anymore. He just wants to soak up this whole day, so he can remember the feeling of being so free.

“I can’t believe we’ve made it,” Jack says, grinning as he leans into Joe’s side. “It feels kind of normal to be here.”

“I know,” he chuckles, taking a sip of his beer. “It’s weird.”

“Do you think we’ll be okay?” Jack asks, turning to face Joe.

“Yeah,” he answers. “They’re happy with your progress Jack, you don’t need to go back there ever again.”

“No, I mean _us_. It’s different now,” he says quickly, and Joe can see he’s a little embarrassed. “I mean, we’ve had our routines – hospital days, physio days, recovery days.”

“Are you nervous?” he asks.

Jack laughs nervously, but nods. “Yeah, I think I am.”

“Me too,” he admits, but he holds onto Jack a little tighter. “We’re going to be okay though, you and I.”

Jack leans in to kiss him, and he can feel Jack smile into the kiss. When they pull apart, he notices Jack stare at him. “You look different. You look more like a boyfriend person, less like a carer person.”

Joe doesn’t really know what to say to that, so instead he finishes his drink. “Do you want another beer?”

“No, I’m okay,” Jack says, before he pulls away and stands up, wearing the biggest smile Joe’s seen him from in a while. “This is a special occasion! We’re having champagne.”

 _We’ve got this_ , Joe thinks, smiling back at his boyfriend. _There’s no need to be nervous anymore, because we’ve got this._


End file.
